Retrace
by notintolabels29
Summary: Originally based on Anberlin's Retrace, now continued as a story set to songs by Anberlin. Ashley left Spencer just before Spencer went to college, it's been six months. Can Ashley ever get Spencer to forgive her?
1. Retrace

**This is based on the song Retrace by Anberlin. Who, by the by, are amazing!! :) SON belongs to not myself, but Mr. Tom Lynch.**

_**Oh, how I've tried to get you out of my head. And I lie broken in words I said. Never thought I'd walk on this street again. Standing where it all began.** _

She never imagined she'd be standing on that pier again in her life. The last time it had all seemed much simpler, they had been so much happier. Of course, as it always seemed to happen, she screwed it all up with a few misplaced words she didn't mean. They had met there, by chance, both having just broken up with their significant others. There was an undeniable instantaneous attraction, like polar ends of a magnet.

_**Tried to forget when I left this town. **__**But it takes me right back when I come back around.**_

_**Retrace the steps we took on that last summer night. **__**I'm there by your side. **__**Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. **__**Counting backwards while the stars are falling. **_

After the fallout, she ran far and fast; nowhere seemed far enough. London was too dreary, Tokyo too bright, Sydney to sunny. Everything reminded her of the girl she had left behind. When she eventually made her way back to LA, it was exactly the same as she had left if, but everything had changed. It all seemed colder and darker, the face that was her sunlight nowhere to be found. Not that she was particularly looking.

_**Oh, now I find, every subtle thing screams your name. **__**It reminds me of places and times we've shared. **__**Couldn't live locked in these memories. **__**Now I'm chained to my thoughts again.**_

Everything opened a new gate to the memories she had long repressed. The light pink sheets in a hotel room, a flash of blonde hair, a musical laugh whose owner could never be identified; all served to send her right back to a moment or place that broke her a little more each time. She couldn't go to beaches or amusement parks or ice cream shops, she could barely step out onto the street without feeling so selfishly bitter and self-loathing that she'd always end up back in her room with a bottle of whatever memory fading liquor she had. On the outside, she was just another up and coming rock star. On the inside, she was bound by her actions and struggling to even take the next breath.

_**And I tried to forget you when I left this town. **__**But it takes me right back when I come back around.**_

_**Retrace the steps we took on that last summer night. **__**I'm there by your side. **__**Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. **__**Counting backwards while the stars are falling. **_

The night before she snapped for all the wrong reasons at the last person she should have, they walked this very same beach holding hands and eventually laying down in the sand to gaze at the stars. It was one of the other girl's favorite things to do. Summer was waning, her girl was going off to college and she herself was still unsure of her future. She was so afraid of losing her, of watching her drift off that she foolishly decided to cut the strings and push her away.

_**I need some shelter. I need some safety. **__**Photographs, they haunt me lately. **__**Chasing shadows as the evening takes me. **__**I'm still searching, but the pictures fading.**_

Six months of pointless wandering and trying to find any girl to replace the one she abandoned left the brunette a rehab bound mess. She'd spend hours nursing bottle after bottle and gazing upon smiling faces that had long ago lost their luster. Lost in a dark room full of shadows of her past, she still looked for anything to ease the pain. She was such a fool.

_**And I tried to forget you when I left this town. **__**But it takes me right back when I come back around.**_

_**Retrace the steps we took on that last summer night. **__**I'm there by your side. **__**Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. **__**Counting backwards. Still counting backwards.**_

Yet here she was, right back where her life both began and ended. Her heart was pounding with regret as she watched the waves wash in and out. Never in a million years would she ever have thought that the cold and callous girl she'd been would ever feel remorse over breaking someone else's heart. If only she had known she was really going to break her own in the same process.

_**And nowhere else has ever felt like home. **__**And I can't fall asleep when I'm lying here alone. **__**I replay your voice, it's like you're here. **__**You move the earth, but now the sky is falling.**_

So in a last ditch effort to heal herself, she returned home. At first it was worse, until she realized she couldn't just sit around and expect the pieces to put themselves back together. She missed falling asleep in someone else's arms without pretenses or expectations. All she wanted was to speak to her blue-eyed angel again. Even if she was yelling.

_**And I tried to forget you when I left this town. **__**But it takes me right back when I come back around. **_

_**Retrace the steps we took on that last summer night. **__**I'm there by your side. **__**Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away. **__**Counting backwards while the stars are falling. **_

She took out her phone, dialing the all too familiar number and listened to it ring.

"Hello?" oh how wonderful her voice sounded. Better than the message she had replayed over and over in her drunken emotional self mutilation.

"Spencer. It's Ashley. I just . . ." her voice broke in fear and regret, choked with emotion, "I really need to talk to you."

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	2. Heavier Things Remain Graviora Manent

**

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**

This is in Spencer's POV, kind of. It is still third person, though. Graviora Manent is Latin for greater inflictions are in store, or more sipmly the worst is yet to come.

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A hallow hallelujah hangs in the corner  
With the rest of our dissolving years  
You're the storm and the cold  
The dove and the bone  
The ghost that relieves all my fears  
The life is spent from cold  
As years and sheets unfold  
We'll be able to sleep all alone

"Ashley? What . . ." she took a deep breath to calm the sudden burst of emotion in her chest, "Why are you calling me?"

"I'm back in LA . . . and I owe you an explanation for why I left."

"An explanation. Do you expect me to forgive you? After six months of being God knows where?" her voice was laced with disbelief. There was no way, after that long that she was just going to pretend that it never happened.

"No, I just want to talk to you. I don't expect anything from you," that didn't sound like the Ashley she remembered. The girl she knew always expected something from someone, from everyone. There was no question that she wanted to see her, but what would be the expense? Her heart was still fragile and this girl seemed to be the only threat to it.

**(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else  
(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I want you here all to myself**

"I guess . . ." a loud sigh escaped her lips, "I can meet you later tonight. At the pier."

"Okay. I'll see you at nine then?"

"Yeah. That sounds good," goodbyes were exchanged and she took another deep breath, despite the fact that it didn't seem to be doing her any good. Breathing had become quite a chore since that night. And here was that night, her past, coming back to lay the world on her shoulders again. Part of her wished Ashley had just stayed wherever it was that she had gone, but the majority was waiting apprehensively to hear the other girl's words, not really minding the heaviness that now pressed on her heart.

**Like a land-worthy sailor  
I even falter at failure  
Trying to find my heading back home  
You're the cure and the disease  
The vice I still need  
The cast and the break in my bones  
You're the life that's worth living  
The hurt and forgiving  
You're Jesus to the demons you've put in my head**

For about three months, she'd been irreconcilable. She had convinced herself that everything was her fault, that she'd done something wrong. And, despite all the hurt she felt at the hands of the brunette, she had wanted to see her more than anything. Though that was still true, she had grown bitter, she had changed. Glen had noticed first, the day she wore Chuck's and skinny jeans, the dullness in her eyes. It was surprising that he had, unsurprisingly he still laughed at her new style. Now, with snake bites and a tongue piercing, he wasn't laughing.

**(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else  
(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I want you here all to myself**

She'd been influenced by her current girlfriend's fashion sense. Carmen was a fiery Hispanic whose taste was relatively dark and centered around her musical preferences. So, she somewhat mirrored that, her own music library changing drastically. Something about songs containing heartbreak and betrayal appealed to her now.

**(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else  
(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I want you here all to myself**

It wasn't fair, she had been stuck here, questioning her future and fighting to breathe every moment. Class was hell. She couldn't focus, her eyes perpetually filled with tears, and sleep evaded her for days at a time. Lately, she had stopped feeling much of anything due to certain circumstances. A month ago, she agreed to move in with Carmen. That had turned out to be a bad decision. But there was no time to think on that as it was eight o'clock and she had an appointment with a long ignored past.

**The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I wouldn't have you anywhere else  
(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I want you here all to myself**

**(Weight of the world...)  
The weight of the world...  
(Weight of the world...)**

**The weight of the world is on top of me  
And I want you here all to myself**

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Thank you for reading. Please review!! :)


	3. Cadence

**This one is in Ashley's POV. From here on out it will be first person, till the last chapter. Don't hate me for this!! As said in the last chapter, graviora manent. **

**LoveAsh87: It's your fault I had to keep going on this!! Haha. I'm really glad you said I should keep going though, I've hit a roadblock on my other story and this is keeping me entertained. **

**Coachkimm: Why thank you. I'm excited people are liking this story. **

**cookietme7: For once I actually know where it's going! Ha. **

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Write down, to remind yourself on how it can be, how it can be

**Heartstrings, you're tugging at my heartstrings, my heartstrings**

**Helpless, I have become so helpless to your touch, oh touch me somehow**

**Restless, you leave me restless, breathless wait for me**

Anxious was an understatement. I was more like terrified. Vanessa kept asking me if I was ok. I told her yes, over and over. I was not really sure what the two of us were. Friends, really, but every now and then I'd get wasted enough to think she could solve my problems and try to get with her. She was always very patient with me. We'd known each other since London, the first stop on my trip of desperation, and I swore to God she was following me. Turns out she was doing a business tour in all the places I was going. I told her the Spencer story in a drunken confession. She knew I was going to meet the girl I never stopped talking about.

"Go get your girl," she said with a smile as she shoved me out the door. I was at the beach five minutes early, and when Spencer drove up and got out of her car I didn't even know it was her. Her style was different, but I liked it, she looked really good. Then she made her way over to me with her eyes downcast, the moment she looked up at me and met my gaze I knew. She'd changed a lot but her eyes never would; I recognized a dullness in them I didn't recognize, but I knew why it was there.

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**You're a miracle to me**

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**You're a miracle to me**

"I guess I should start then. First off, I'm so so sorry. I was stupid to push you away," she scoffed like she couldn't believe I was saying that, "I was just afraid. I got so scared that you'd go off to college and forget all about me. I hurt you before you could hurt me."

"You're kidding right? After six months all you have to say is that you were stupid? I could have told you that," it was what I had expected, nothing short of fury.

**Burning, like Joan of Arc to see you, just to feel you**

**Cadence, well I'd dance with the dead **

**'cause I believe, yes I believe, yes I believe**

**Stifle, Paul said that you stifle him again and again and again **

"I know. I just wanted you to know, you didn't do anything. I know I said . . . some things I shouldn't have. I don't regret anything more than I regret that night."

"Wow. You're fucking serious. Said some things you shouldn't have? Telling me that what we had was nothing and you never really loved me was just a little slip of the tongue? Are you gonna take out your check book and try to buy my forgiveness next? God Ashley, I spent three months wasting away wondering what I did. Now you come and tell me none of it was my fault. Where was that admission when I was lying on the bathroom floor sobbing my heart out?" yes I had prepared for anger, but I hadn't prepared for the deep rooted sadness I heard in her voice.

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**You're a miracle to me**

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**You're a miracle to me**

My heart seemed to be shattering again as I took in her broken expression. All I wanted to do was hold her. Wrap her up in my arms and never let go. But I knew she wouldn't allow that.

"I . . . I don't even know what to say. There probably isn't anything I can say to make you not hate me. Just know that I spent six months wishing I could see you, even if you were throwing punches. I wanted you to hate me so I could stop hating myself. I got so screwed up every night because I was disgusted with myself."

**And if these are my parting words**

**Grant me this, my last request**

**Hold me here, until I sleep**

**If I burn, then I burn for you**

"It doesn't matter now. I have a girlfriend, we're happy. I'm going to go home to her and nothing you say will make a difference," I felt my heart sink at that. But what did I expect? Spencer's damn near perfect, who wouldn't want to be with her?

"Ok. I just wanted to tell you that. Thanks for coming I guess."

"Yeah, whatever," she walked away and got back in her car before speeding off. Only then did I let the tears fall. I sank down against the wooden supports on the pier as sobs racked my body. The thing was, I wasn't angry at her. I deserved every word she said to me. I was too busy hating myself; if I hadn't hurt her in the first place she wouldn't have felt what it took to say those things to someone.

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**You're a miracle to me**

**The closer I come to you the closer I am to finding God**

**You're a miracle to me**

I was the girl I never wanted to be. The girl you see walking down the street, fighting back sobs, who knows it was all their fault. Who knows the made the worst mistake of their life. I was the klutz who broke the crystal dinnerware that was worth more than the house they lived in. I broke the girl whose heart was more pure than my entire being could ever be.

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**There you have it. Please review!! Just a bit of randomness, have you ever noticed how it's easier to eat a sandwich when it's cut into little pieces than it is the whole thing? Haha. **


	4. Glass to the Arson

**This one is in Spencer's POV. Today was horrible!! I'm so sad that South is over. :( I thougth I'd cheer everyone up with an update. Haha.**

**LoveAsh87: I'm glad you made me keep going too. This story is a lot of fun to write, mostly because I get to listen to Anberlin songs over and over. Lol. Spencer's thought process is explained in this chapter a bit.**

**TutorGurl: I'm glad you caught all of that. The whole abusive thing is answered here. Spencer's just spiralling downward right now. Ashley screwed up majorly, but she's changed. That will be explored in more detail coming up because it's important. **

**hugbuddy13: I know. I love the thought of Spencer being on the other side, not all Abercrombie and Hollister. Her look reflects what's going on in her head and heart. And thank you. **

**Coachkimm: Oh good me too! I love writing like that. Metaphors and symbols are my friend!! Haha.**

**cookietme7: Why thank you. Lol. Ashley's got a lot of explaining to do. And Spencer, she's just fighting the inevitable as much as she can. The last paragraph was fun to write. So I'm happy you liked it.**

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**Tonight my heart is cold  
Lost in your lies, shallow replies**

**And gravity prevails this time it's over  
And you think you're the one**

I wanted to be angry. I wished so badly that I could just hate her and be done with it. She was so damn perfect, even after all that time, all the words she said. Somewhere along the way I'd stopped being pissed that she'd let me hang for so long wondering what happened and started being sorry that we lost out on six months we could have spent together. Throwing the fact that I had a girlfriend out was a last resort, I felt bad, like I'd done something wrong when her face fell. Then I went home to the girl I feared, because I was more afraid of the truth than I was of a few blows.

**Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy  
It's all I wish to hear tonight  
and you're all I wish to be  
And this is how we all fall**

**Tonight my heart is cold  
Lost in your lies, shallow replies  
Tonight I'll just let go  
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries**

I knew she'd be drunk. I knew she'd yell. I knew she'd want sex. But I went anyway.

"Spencer where the hell have you been?!" she screamed, voice drawled into an intoxicated blur of words.

"I went out. Don't worry about it."

"Of course I was worried! I love you, you know. I don't want anything to happen to you," what a pack of lies. She wasn't worried. I didn't know that she loved me, because frankly, she didn't. She loved controlling me. I did know that she didn't want anything to happen to me; at least she was the one doing it. That night, though, all I wanted was the lies she was feeding me.

**And innocence derailed  
Savage the poison  
Unhurried compass east**

I think somehow she knew where I'd been, and more importantly who with. She hit me hard, everywhere it wouldn't show, and then proceeded to force herself on me. It was something I'd grown used to, something no one should grow used to. She whispered in my ear after it all, told me she loved me and she was sorry she'd hit me. Then she continued to begin an explanation of why she was this way, before stopping short and rolling over sullenly. Such were the events of every night.

**Calm me with your lies your simple tragedy  
It's all I wish to hear tonight  
and you're all I wish to be  
And this is how we all fall**

**Tonight my heart is cold  
Lost in your lies, shallow replies  
Tonight I'll just let go  
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries**

But that night was different, on my end at least. That night I was all too well aware of what I could have. My heart had been frozen over for months, and now that it had begun to thaw, the truth came pouring out. I still wanted Ashley. But here I was with Carmen, willing her to lie to me, to hit me even because I was used to it. I wanted the predictability of a life with a girl who could never quite explain the tragedy of her past, who could never look me in the eyes when she promised to stop drinking. It was stable, it was comfortable, and it was everything I wished I could be happy with. Because it was so much more emotionally easy than being with someone I wanted to give my entire being to.

**And we are, we are, we are the arsons  
who start all of your fires**

**And we are the arsons  
who start all of your fires, burning  
Burning your city down**

Her number was still on my phone, despite my whole hearted resolve to delete it as soon as I got back from our meeting. Long after the girl beside me had passed out, I lay there trying to breathe. I don't know why I kept trying when my oxygen was so far away. I pulled my phone out, to stare at the numbers without a name. Someone who wasn't even there was pulling my carefully constructed façade down, penetrating all my walls. Once again I thought of how bitterly unfair the whole situation was.

**Tonight my heart is cold  
Lost in your lies, shallow replies  
Tonight I'll just let go  
Lost in your eyes, transparent cries**

So there I lay, long into the night, with my cell phone open and her number illuminated on the screen. Her name wasn't there, I hadn't saved it. If only I had realized the futility of trying to stay away. Even I was surprised when I saw that a call was connecting, that my treasonous thumb had pressed send.

"Hello?" a groggy voice came on the other end. For a moment I was stunned and dwelled only on the fact that she still sounded wonderful.

"Hi, Ashley. It's . . . uh . . . it's Spencer," well I sounded just eloquent. Forget Barack Obama, put me at the podium.

"Spencer, hey. What's up?" she sounded just as surprised as I had felt a moment ago. I suppose something about me telling her that all her words meant nothing and I didn't care what she said. What a lie that was. And in that instant, I knew, I had to see her. I had to have her know that I wasn't just some cold hearted bitch that threw away the one thing that had once kept me sane.

"I was just wondering, if maybe, we could, I don't know, get together and, you know, talk," seriously, I'd rock a speech.

"Sure. Yeah. When?"

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**Next up we have Ashley again. Prepare for some heartache! Lol. Please review!!**


	5. A Whisper and a Clamor

**So this chapter goes back to before Spencer calls Ashley and is set in Ashley's POV. **

**hugbuddy13: I know! Haha. She's got a reason though. Which you may or may not find out, depending.**

**TutorGurl: I love how you get things other people don't. Spencer's just not who she was right now, but hopefully Ash can bring her back.**

**niecyx3: I totally agree. Lol. Snakebites are sexy. Anway, you'll probably like the chapter after this then! Even though I haven't written it yet. Ha.**

**Coachkimm: Well in this fan fic she's changed a lot, for the worse. But her knight in shining armor has returned!**

**cookietme7: We all know she deserves better than that. Lol. Next chap is what you're waiting for. **

**LoveAsh87: I know I know! Lol. But it makes for a much better story than Spencer just being single. I think. Ha.**

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Growing tired of bedside resolve  
Public display of depression  
Something's got to give now  
Something's going to break down  
I grow tired of writing songs  
While people listen but never hear what's really going on now  
Tell me what's so wrong now

I eventually wandered my way back to the apartment. Vanessa wasn't there, oddly, she had no place to go in this city. She had mentioned vaguely the thought of visiting some old friends. Even so, I didn't think that was where she had gone. I stumbled my way to my bedroom, intoxicated without alcohol, and inside I left all the lights off except for a small lamp in the corner. My notebook lay open from earlier, lyrics splayed out on the pages. I recalled how every time I had let someone else read them they had either asked me what they meant or went on a tirade about how they completely understood where I was coming from. They never understood where I was coming from.

**Clap your hands all ye children  
There's a clamor in your whispering  
Clap your hands tonight  
Hear what the silence screams  
Clap your hands  
Clap your hands now all ye children  
Clap your hands all ye children  
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight**

Talking to Spencer that night was not at all what I had wanted. It was probably exactly what I needed. To be slapped back into reality. Vanessa was too nice about it, she was almost too patient. She always waited for me to see the consequences of my mistakes, never yelling at me for sleeping with some whore or drinking myself into Candyland. She was what I had needed at the beginning of this ride, someone to gently convince me that I was worth more than the price tag I had once carved into my arm. Worthless. But now that I knew there was some reason for me to be alive and on this earth, I didn't need to take the baby steps anymore. Maybe she understood that, knew that I needed some time to myself to wallow in self-deprecating sorrow for just a few hours.

**For most who live and breathe  
Hell is never knowing who they are now  
Tell me who you are now  
Finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know  
Are you safe from yourself? Can you escape all by yourself?**

About two months before, I learned to accept who I was. I'd always boasted that Ashley Davies was this, or Ashley Davies was that. Truth was, I wasn't any of those things. All I know now is what matters, that I love Spencer; that I was molded into a selfish, angry, rebellious bitch by years of neglect, and I was so afraid of losing those I really needed that I more often than not pushed them away before they could run. And I tried that with Vanessa. Oh how I tried. Stubborn ass wouldn't let me. She always told me she got me, which freaked me out.

**Clap your hands all ye children  
There's a clamor in your whispering  
Clap your hands tonight  
Hear what the silence screams  
Clap your hands  
Clap your hands now all ye children  
Clap your hands all ye children  
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight  
Clap your hands  
Clap your hands now all ye children  
Clap your hands  
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight**

What freaked me out even more was that when Spencer was yelling at me, I got her. I recognized the look in her eyes, having seen the same in my own for so long. The one that screamed of an emotion much deeper than any sadness could ever go. It was desperation. And I knew, I could feel it in my soul that Spencer wasn't snapping just at me. She was breaking herself down further, and blaming everyone else for her brokenness. No doubt I deserved some of that blame, but the dull glaze over her eyes said more than her words. Something else was going on, something that I didn't know.

**It's not the lies that you sing  
But what the silence will scream  
It's not the lies that you sing  
But what the silence will scream  
It's not the lies that you sing  
But what the silence will scream**

After my initial reaction to her words, I looked back and paid more attention to her silence. Her eyes had betrayed her; she was living with as much regret as I was. I wanted to know what she regretted, but I couldn't very well call her. She had made it clear she wanted no contact with me. Inside she was crying for a savior, and I wished that it could be me.

**Clap your hands all ye children  
There's a clamor in your whispering  
Clap your hands tonight  
Hear what the silence screams  
Clap your hands  
Clap your hands now all ye children  
Clap your hands all ye children  
There's a clamor in your whispering tonight**

I picked up my notebook and began reading over the lines. Nearly every song was inspired by the blonde. They started back when we were dating, when I reveled in her beauty and believed we were a fairy tale, and ended in our mutual heartbreak. For hours I sat awake, reliving every moment that had led us here, ignoring the exhaustion that threatened to pull me under. I was broken out of my thought by my phone ringing. The number looked familiar, but I was too hard pressed to decipher the caller.

"Hello?" I asked of the person on the other line.

"Hi Ashley," and I recognized her voice instantly, silently cursing myself for not saving her number, "It's . . . uh . . . it's Spencer."

"Spencer. Hey. What's up?" I'm sure my voice betrayed my shock. I wasn't expecting to hear from her again, not so soon.

"I was just wondering, if maybe, we could, I don't know, get together and, uh, talk," I was floored. Stunned suddenly speechless. Her voice spoke of the desperation I had seen earlier and I never once considered saying no.

"Sure. Yeah. When?" for the second time in seven hours we agreed to meet at the pier, this time at four in the morning.

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**Next up, the early morning meeting. Read and review!! :)**


	6. Dismantle Repair

**This is a dual chapter, as per request I added Ashley's POV in. Hence it taking longer than normal. **

**hugbuddy13: Wait no longer! Ha. **

**TutorGurl: Amen to that. Those are the type of people that never delve any further into the human mind than the surface. However, I do understand why they're angry about it. At first this chapter was just going to be Spencer, but as you wish, you get Ashley too. I thought it'd be good to get both sides of the coin in one shot.**

**cookietme7: The characters do happen to be the most important part of this story. Lol. I guess it's just kind of an exercise in exploring the human mind. Anyway, here's what you asked for. :)**

**Coachkimm: I know it's hard not to, but Carmen shouldn't be judged too harshly. I think you'll understand her better at the end.**

**LoveAsh87: Of course she is! Lol. It wouldn't be a good story if she just gave up now would it? :)**

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One last glance from a taxi cab

**Images scar my mind**

**Four weeks felt like years**

**Since your full attention was all mine**

**The night was young and so were we**

**Talked about life, God, death, and your family**

**Didn't want any promises,**

**Just my undivided honesty, and you said**

That time, I was at the pier first. I sat, remembering how I had first met Ashley, in kindergarten. We had been best friends up until junior high when I became a popular cheerleader and she became a rebel punk princess. Once high school started I was dating the popular jock, Aiden, and she was dating some girl whose name I never bothered to learn. As was demanded by our social statuses, we never spoke or even looked at one another. I'd never been as disgusted with myself in my life as when I looked her in the eyes and called her a sick dyke. At that point I was allowing everyone else to dictate who I was, telling me what I should wear and say, who I should date, who my friends should be. Finally I had had enough and I broke up with Aiden and came here to the pier, the same night Ashley broke up with her girlfriend and we somehow ended up talking for hours. Because I had her to fall back on, I told the truth about who I was and we were happy, for a while at least. She helped me become myself, for the two years we were together I was who I wanted to be. Then she left and I fell back to my old ways, allowing Carmen to take over my life.

**Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better**

**Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change**

**I am the patron saint of lost causes**

**A fraction of who I once believed (change)**

**Only a matter of time**

**Opinions I would try and rewrite**

**If life had background music playing your song**

**I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you **

**But the orchestra plays on, and they sang**

She drove up in her characteristic Porsche Cayman S. I couldn't help but think she looked almost more beautiful with her makeup all smudged, still in pajamas, and obviously tired. She had changed so much, and even though I wasn't going to tell her, I was proud. A smile spread across her face before she seemed to realize it and let it go.

"Hey," I almost whispered. There was a certain fear in my stomach and as it worked its way through my veins I felt sick. What would she think of me if she knew the truth? What would she do if I told her? I simply couldn't allow that to happen.

"Hi. So what's got you up at four in the morning?" she said in the same quiet tone I had used. Her eyes flashed away from mine and held their gaze out on the ocean as though she was unsure what she would find if she kept looking at me. I wasn't sure myself.

"I was just thinking about what you said. I get it, you know. Part of me saw you pulling away; I just didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to allow myself to believe that you hadn't changed from the girl who just ran when things got tough. But it wasn't fair for me to expect you to have changed when I didn't change myself," it was true. Somehow I had gotten it in my head that two broken people could fix one another instead of just tinkering around with tools they didn't know how to use.

**Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better**

**Oh oh, things are gonna change**

**Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you**

**Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through**

**Dismantle me down (repair)**

**You dismantle me**

**You dismantle me**

"I know. I shouldn't have expected you to change me. I needed someone who wouldn't look past what I was doing wrong. You were too perfect; you didn't expect me to get better because you loved me just as I was. But I needed someone who loved me for who I could be, someone who could help me get there," she then continued to tell me about Vanessa. I felt an unfamiliar pang of jealousy shoot through me, until she explained the nature of their relationship. We continued to talk about everything, my family, what life had been like while the other wasn't there. Then she came to the subject of my girlfriend, and I had every intention of avoiding any condemning truth that could possibly come out.

**Give me time to prove **

**Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)**

**Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you**

**It's not that I hang on every word **

**I hang myself on what you repeat **

**It's not that I keep hanging on**

**I'm never letting go**

"Uh . . . yeah. Her name is Carmen. We met at a music store about two months after you left. Three weeks later we went on our first date. I moved in with her like a month ago."

"So what's she like?" how could I answer that? She was nothing like the woman sitting beside me. She was my way of punishing myself for not realizing what was happening with Ashley, for allowing myself to be defined by everyone else's standards, for being a people pleaser when I should have just been myself. She was a way of taking the emotional pain I couldn't handle and turning it physical, because bruises are much easier to deal with than a hole in your chest where your heart used to be. It had been more than a few seconds and Ashley noticed my hesitation.

**Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you**

**Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through**

**Dismantle me down (repair)**

**You dismantle me**

**You dismantle me**

She put her hand on my back, the same place I had hit with the doorknob when Carmen shoved me into the front door. I flinched away and her eyes narrowed, head cocked to the side in confusion. Her eyes were asking questions I had not at all prepared to answer as I broke down further, allowing sobs to rack my body. Without hesitation her arms were around me and she did not let go. Here I was, months of walls crumbling under a single touch from one person. My carefully constructed fortress being dismantled before my eyes.

**Save me from myself**

**Save me from myself**

**Help me save me from myself**

**Save me from myself**

"She hits you doesn't she?" and there it was, the carefully guarded secret hidden within the walls. I could only nod. My stupid heart had betrayed me, taking over my head and letting out things I had never intended to release. Something about her touch, the softness of it, made me feel safer than I had since I moved in with my abuser. She whispered to me that it would be okay, and it struck me again how she wasn't the same as when she left. The Ashley I had known would be furious set on seeking revenge and becoming a calloused wall of rage. I would end up holding her back instead of her just holding me.

**Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better**

**Oh oh, things are gonna change**

**Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you**

**Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through**

**Dismantle me down (repair)**

**You dismantle me**

**You dismantle me**

She pulled back and dear God did she look beautiful in that moment. The rising sun surrounded her in an angelic light and I was dumbstruck at the breathtaking image before me. I had never wanted to touch her as bad as I did right then. It was almost as impossible to keep my hands form her as it was my secrets.

"I think you should break up with her," and I agreed. I was certain there would be danger involved, how angry would she be if I told her it was over? But it didn't matter. I was more than ready to stand up for myself. Everything I needed was sitting right there beside me and it didn't matter what happened, as long as she was there.

* * *

**Ashley's POV **

She was at the pier first. Her expression was one of contemplation as I pulled up and got out. Before I had time to think about it there was a smile across my face and when I realized it I quickly let it fade. This wasn't the time to be smiling. She had called me here for a reason and idle chatting wasn't it. Looking at her I thought, despite outward appearances, she hadn't changed much.

"Hey," she greeted me in a low voice as though the chill morning air would be shattered if she spoke too loudly.

"Hi. So what's got you up at four in the morning?" I asked with the same voice. Her eyes held reservations, like she didn't want to talk about the actual reason she came here. So I looked away, not wanting her to feel any pressure to speak, not wanting to find the truth behind her pupils because it may well have proved that she wasn't as perfect as I always thought. She told me she understood me, that she expected too much from me. There was a part of me that wanted to lay it all out, that I had changed back then, just not nearly enough. Instead I told her a minimal truth, that what I had needed and found was a love that was not blind. I told her about Vanessa and our complex relationship. She was a little like a sister, a lot like a therapist.

As we continued talking, I asked about her family. She admitted to not having seen them for a while now, citing college keeping her busy as the reason. I knew it wasn't the truth, but I let it go because we still had not reached the heart of the matter. I didn't push that any further and instead directed the conversation to the woman who had replaced me.

"Uh . . . yeah. Her name is Carmen. We met at a music store about two months after you left. Three weeks later we went on our first date. I moved in with her like a month ago," I was finding it hard to breathe with all the weight suddenly dropped on my chest. For her sake, I bid her to continue.

"So what's she like?" at that she turned away, looking out towards the ocean. Her hesitation was loaded with hidden truths, I had finally hit the reason she wanted to talk at four in the morning. Forgetting all the rules I had set up for myself before coming here, I reached out and lay a hand on her back. She flinched away and in that moment I knew. She looked back to me and I saw everything in her eyes. That stupid bitch. How dare she hit my girl? I was livid; my hands were itching to meet that Carmen girl's face. But instead I practiced a bit of self control and merely drew Spencer into my arms and held her as she broke. I had no intention of ever letting go again.

"She hits you doesn't she?" the small nod into my shoulder caused a new wave of emotion. This time it was not anger, it was remorse. If I had been here I could have saved her from this. I whispered in her ear and remembered what Vanessa had told me countless times. That no one can save anyone from destiny, all things happen for a reason, good and bad. It's just what we choose to do with these things that dictate whether we are who we were meant to be. She also told me that vengeance was a fruitless labor, especially when sought out of rage. For a moment, I hated her. I wanted revenge and heaven be damned if I wasn't going to get it. But there was still that girl in my arms that had long surpassed the need for a fist to protect her, and now only needed a hand to help her up.

I pulled back and God did she look breathtaking. The sun cascaded onto her face and I've never seen another being look so close to an angel. My fingers very nearly made their way up to trace the contours of her features, but I refrained.

"I think you should break up with her," I knew what could happen. Obviously Carmen was unstable, but Spencer needed to get away from her. She was strong enough to do it; I would be there for her every moment.


	7. Blame Me! Blame Me!

**I apologize for the longer than usual wait. I've been busy and sick and gah! Haha. Anyway, I pretty much hate this chapter. I completely rewrote it like four times and I still hate it. Anyhow, read and review!**

**LoveAsh87: I know, Ashley's pretty much a complete flip flop of how she was in the show. I like it! Haha.**

**Coachkimm: Thanks, I really liked that chap. This one is a different story, it was hard to write and I'm pretty sure it sucks. Lol.**

**hugbuddy13: Ashley is the supportive one, weird right! Haha.**

**oxOH i tHInk THey LIke MExo: Thanks. :) I love Anberlin!! **

**TutorGurl: Oh yes, it was. Spencer was avoiding the Carmen topic and Ashley was nicely blowing off what she said in order to get her to real reason she was there. I know it's a bit fast, but this story was never intended to be any sort of long. **

**cookietme7: Oh wow. You really know how to flatter! Haha. Thank you very much. :)**

**

* * *

**

**And we could ride all night**

**To the pace of the blinking light**

**Wishing traffic was faster (traffic was faster)**

**Keeping safe distance, but courting disaster**

We watched the sunrise together. I felt amazingly calm just sitting beside her as we faced away from the ocean in the sand. However, I knew that at some point I would have to return to the reality I dreaded. And thus I said goodbye and tried my hardest to breathe again as my body showed the signs of my anxiety. There I found myself, back at the place hardly ever called home.

**We could dance all night**

**To the sounds of a starting fight**

**Hoping change would come around (change would come around)**

**Amazing division, how sweet the sound**

She was awake, of course. She always was, no matter how late she came back she awoke with the sun. Her newly intoxicated gaze met mine and I saw, rather than heard, the dull resignation. I hadn't expected this non-caring attitude when I returned, I was fully prepared for broken glass and furious screams.

"You know, Spence, I've put a lot of effort into this relationship. I've really tried to make it work. But apparently, you've got your heart set on not having a girlfriend that really cares," she slurred each and every word and held up an accusing bottle of Jack in my direction.

"Have you really fooled yourself so much that you believe that? We both know that neither of us put any sort of effort into this. Look at you, drunk at seven in the morning," my voice was surprisingly strong and my words held a conviction I did not know I possessed.

**Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!**

**For mistakes you've made but you can't own**

**Hate me, hate me, hate me**

**For every honest word that you've postponed**

**Leave me out of this**

**Your life's a sinking ship, so**

**Blame me, blame me, blame me**

**For mistakes you've made but you can't own**

"Well I think when I wake up to find my girlfriend gone, probably off fucking some whore, that I'm entitled to have a little party with the only man I've ever been able to rely on. All this stupid bullshit is your fault. How long have you been cheating on me, huh?"

"I haven't been. Have you ever woken up to find me gone before this? No. So excuse me if I'm a little slow to accept the blame for all this stupid bullshit," I was amazed. Here I had been with her for three months and I had no idea how deceived she really was. In a moment I realized that I truly knew nothing about her, she'd put off telling me anything.

**And we could stare all day**

**At problems that won't go away**

**Silence is pounding (silence is pounding)**

**You're wearing me down, these corners they're rounding**

At that statement she stood up, swaying slightly, and made her way over to me. I was fully prepared to take the physical brunt of her anger. But, instead of raising a hand against me, she remained silent.

"You know what? I don't give a shit. You aren't worth my time. I could have any fucking girl I want. You can have your cheap fucks and your slutty whores, 'cause I'm not going to sit around and wait for your skank ass anymore," and with that she shoved me back into the door, conveniently hitting the same exact spot the knob had dug into before. I gasped and lurched to the side. This seemed to sober her up in an instant as she dropped her bottle and tried to catch me, "Oh God, Spence. I'm sorry. Are you . . ."

**Then we could scream all night**

**With no resolve still left in sight**

**Stop saying you're sorry**

**All of these words feel so very empty**

"Oh shut up. I'm done with this, I'm done with you," and the words seemed to flow so easily, like a shuddering breath finally let out after long months of holding it.

"What? No, please. I can get better, just don't leave. I promise," my mind wandered back to the promises she'd made. The same promises that had died out over time to be replaced with my begrudging acceptance of the situation.

"You've made that promise a hundred times before, and never kept it. I'm leaving now," I turned and opened the door ready to step out. It quickly slammed closed and there stood a newly enraged Carmen, palm spread wide against the wood.

**Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!**

**For mistakes you've made but you can't own**

**Hate me, hate me, hate me**

**For every honest word that you've postponed**

**Leave me out of this**

**Your life's a sinking ship, so**

**Blame me, blame me, blame me**

**For mistakes you've made but you can't own**

"You can't just fucking walk away! You stupid bitch! I say when you go!" she screamed in my face. I slid down to the floor in fear of what would inevitably come next. My fingertips met the glass of her disregarded alcohol and I quickly closed them around it. As she drew back, I threw my hand forward and let the bottle meet her cheek. She stumbled and landed on her back.

As rapidly as possible I opened the door and sprinted to my car. I drove away and began to sob uncontrollably. My breaths came in gasps when I finally reached my destination, nature's therapist.

**Torturing ourselves, we must be into the abuse**

**If you're the rope that ties us together**

**Please make me a noose**

**Ask me to leave**

**Then beg me just to stay**

**Used to run to my arms, but now I walk away**

**Come and go as you please**

**I'm like a part-time lover with well-worn knees**

**Well, come on**

Looking out on the ocean, my breath steadied and my tears stopped. Such relief washed over me that I felt suddenly very free. Of course now I seemed like the stupidest girl alive, even to myself. I had so many problems, so many things I had convinced myself I was. I was the girl who ruined every good thing she touched. I was the girl who never realized she was better than what others said she was. I was the girl who looked for self worth everywhere except herself. I was the girl who took beatings because she couldn't find the worth she was searching so desperately for.

**Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!**

**For mistakes you've made but you can't own**

**Hate me, hate me, hate me**

**For every honest word that you've postponed**

**Leave me out of this**

**Your life's a sinking ship, so**

**Blame me, blame me, blame me**

**For mistakes you've made but you can't own **

I called Ashley, my every word holding a hint of finality. I knew I had a lot of work to do before I could even think about being in another relationship. Once again, my uncertainty at the thought of potential pain came into play and I wondered if I was ever going to be ready to be witht the girl who effectively ruined me. And so it was, I left her as she had left me.


	8. The Unwinding Cable Car

**So after the last chapter I decided to take my time and really think this one through. It's a bit different from all the others, back to 3rd person and the lyrics actually play a part in the story. I hope you like it, cuz I'm pretty happy with it. :)**

**Coachkimm: If you liked any part of that I'm more than happy. Ha. I'm not sure what happened, hopefully this one will be better.**

**coookietme7: Well basically Spencer was just being scared and decided to stop, in her thought process, on the line with Ashley and not talk to her anymore. Anyway, that was my weird attempt at irony. Haha. **

* * *

They hadn't talked in over a week. Spencer had been avoiding all of Ashley's calls, causing Ashley to feel a serious crack in the resolve she had built up over the past few months. Vanessa found herself busied with attempting to keep her from losing it completely and reverting to the girl she'd first found in London. Hence the setting up of a gig at a new club downtown, Blaq. What neither of them knew was that Spencer had been relentlessly hounded by a friend at UCLA to accompany her to the new hot club downtown.

She didn't really know why she was there. Angela had bothered her endlessly about needing to get out more once she had started spending more time in the dorm room she had earlier vacated for the apartment. So there she sat, at the bar in Blaq with a cheap beer in her hand and a dull glaze over her eyes. She hadn't enjoyed watching the sweaty bodies pulsate to yet another predictable electronica beat. She continued to wonder why she was there, why she was still feeling horribly dependent on others, why she was being stared at by a green eyed brunette, why said brunette was then standing directly in front of her with a thoughtful expression.

"You're Spencer Carlin right?" and the plot thickens. It seemed she had much more to wonder about after that question.

"Yeah, why? No wait, I've got a better question, how do you know my name?" the brunette laughed. Spencer seemed to be completely lost in the situation; quite ironic really, from what she'd heard the girl had been lost in nearly all situations.

"I'm Vanessa. Ashley talks about you non-stop. Showed me pictures once, though I doubt she remembers that night."

"Oh, weird. This is quite the coincidence then, huh?" once again the other girl laughed, as though she was in on jokes the blonde had no inkling of.

"There's no such thing as a coincidence when it comes to love. Which brings me to my next question, Spencer dear, why are you fighting the inevitable?" Spencer furrowed her brows in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" she couldn't at that time decipher why Ashley had quite nearly relied on this girl to help her over those months.

"You and Ashley are like polar opposites of a magnet. I've heard the whole story, including how you two first met. You will always be drawn back to one another. The more you fight it, the more pain you cause to the both of you. So I'll ask you again, why are you an emotional masochist?" she'd given up on being vague years ago, something, in her opinion, caused most therapists to be completely useless in their field.

"Excuse me? Where do you get off talking like that to me? I don't even know you and you definitely don't know me. Just because Ashley says you're some sort of genius doesn't mean I believe her," oh how fabulously predictable the girl had turned out to be.

"Are you done now?" the blonde frowned and her eyebrows pushed together again, "Now answer the question please."

"For Christ's sakes, if it'll get you to leave me alone fine. I'm scared. Ashley screwed me over before, what's to stop her from doing it again? I know she's changed but I don't know if it's enough."

"Well if you keep asking questions like that, someone's going to have to answer them. She's very different. I think having been the one that had to put up with her useless self pitying stage gives me warrant to say she's changed enough. She is ready this time; she has absolutely no intention, conscious or otherwise of hurting you. She's ready to be all in. Now that doesn't mean she won't, but you have to realize that pain is a part of life and it's going to happen. That shouldn't keep you from feeling the other extreme, though. You can't become a crazy cat lady just because you are afraid. Granted, what Ash did was completely fucked up, but she had serious baggage. Everyone deserves to feel the elated giddiness caused by being so head over heels in love they can't tell which way is up. I hear it's closely akin to being high on ecstasy, only not as dangerous. Generally," despite herself, Spencer allowed a laugh out. Maybe Vanessa did know what she was talking about.

"Let's just say, hypothetically, that it wasn't just about the one who screwed up, but the other one. What if they had their own issues?"

"Like . . .?"

"Like not knowing who they are without the help of others and still relying on approval."

"Well that has absolutely nothing to do with the one who screwed up. In fact, I'm relatively certain that's all the other person. However, if that were the issue, I would say that the other half needs to stop looking outside of themselves to be defined and start looking inside. You already know who you aren't, you're brain just hasn't registered that yet."

"What do I look at then?"

"Uh, what do you love? What do you hate? Where do you stand on major issues, like abortion and all that? Why do you feel that way? Those are just starters. It takes a rare breed to figure those things out and actually stand for them. You shouldn't feel like everyone else knows who they are, because most people don't."

"Ok. One more question. How do you know Ashley is ready?"

"Well for one thing, she totally cock-blocked this skank a few weeks after I moved in with her," she laughed, remembering, "Besides that, she poured out all her alcohol herself, without any prompting from me or anyone else. Excluding the Malibu rum, but who can blame her for keeping that? And the kicker, she moved her ass back to LA even though she knew she'd have to face the biggest mistake she ever made in her life and probably suffer a hell of a lot of pain for it. I never even suggested it."

"Am I ready?"

"What do I look like, God? Some things you have to figure out for yourself, though I'm pretty sure you already know the answer to that question. Now pay attention, this one's for you," she said and pointed to the stage where the lights had come up on the announcer. Spencer followed the gesture with her eyes and looked back in confusion to find the other girl gone.

"Alright! I hope you're ready for a rock legacy, for the first time in LA, please welcome Ashley Davies to the stage!" and there was destiny, manipulating fate to pull the two together once again. The brunette looked nervous but beautiful as she took her place on the stool in front of the mic with her guitar.

"Hey everyone. I haven't had a gig in a while so I'm a bit nervous. My friend Vanessa made me do this, she told me I needed a boost in self esteem. I can't figure out how potentially getting booed off stage is going to boost my self esteem, but she seemed to think it was a good idea. So here I am. I'm gonna sing The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin, dedicated to the most beautiful girl in the world," her eyes searched the crowd and landed on blue eyes she certainly did not expect. She panicked a bit at her dedication, considering the girl was right there, but decided that it was just the truth and the both of them needed more of that. She began to strum the guitar and opened into the first line.

**Emotive unstable you're like an unwinding cable car  
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are  
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over  
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about**

She stared directly into those blue eyes as she sang each word. Both were feeling unmistakably vulnerable at the moment.

**This is the correlation of salvation and love  
(Don't drop your arms)  
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart  
With quiet words I'll lead you in**

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la  
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home  
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long  
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...  
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

Ashley had chosen this song on purpose, she knew Spencer needed someone, and she wanted it to be her. She wanted to save her from the dragons, to be the knight in shining armor.

**This is the correlation of salvation and love  
(Don't drop your arms)  
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart  
With quiet words I'll lead you in**

This is the correlation of salvation and love  
(Don't drop your arms)  
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart  
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Spencer took in a deep breath, not allowing her eyes to wander from the whiskey ones she was drowning in. In that moment she wanted nothing more than to allow herself to be pulled from the wreckage of her life and have Ashley save her.

**You're so brilliant, don't soon forget  
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart  
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget  
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart  
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)  
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)  
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)  
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)**

She sang the lines with such conviction, telling Spencer everything she believed with every note.

**La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la  
(Don't drop your arms)  
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la**

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)  
(Don't drop your arms)  
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)  
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)  
(Don't drop your arms)  
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)  
With quiet words I'll lead you in

With the closing chord, Spencer realized there were tears streaming from her traitorous eyes. She once again damned her body for being so susceptible to Ashley before recognized the vaguely familiar warmth in her heart that told her maybe she was ready for this, she recognized a blooming of hope.


	9. The Promise

**I don't remember when I last posted, so it must have been quite a while. Ha. Sorry for that. This chap is in Ashley's POV, I'm not sure how good it is. It was kinda just a means to an end. Anyhow, The Promise is originally by When In Rome and was covered by Anberlin. I very much prefer the Anberlin version. Oh, this was not originally the song I had planned to use for this chapter, I actually just changed it tonight so that was another part of the delay. Please read and review!**

**Coachkimm: Hooray! A good chapter. Lol. I love that song, mostly for the lyrics, and I thought it'd be perfect for Ashley to sing to Spencer.**

**TutorGurl: Think of Vanessa however you want, she's not that important. Just read this chapter and you can decide if it's too fast or whatever, I can't say that it'll change what I'm going to do but I do value the input I get so I'll try to take whatever you say and put it in.**

**oxOH i tHInk THey LIke MExo: I was so glad it worked out like that cuz for some of these I've had to bend things a bit to get it to fit, but that one was perfect.**

**cookietme7: Haha. I kind of hinted at the fact that Vanessa thinks subtlety is overrated. It's gonna take some convincing from Ashley to get Spencer back! But that's always fun.**

**LoveAsh87: Why thank you. I'm glad you liked it so much. Lol.**

**Neverwithdraw: I really like writing with the songs, it's like a road map that still allows for deviation. Besides, I love Anberlin!! **

* * *

As I walked down off the stage I was extremely nervous and, dare it be said of Ashley Davies, a bit vulnerable. I was afraid that I had gone too far by dedicating that song when I had likely done something or said something to push Spencer away this past week. My fingers twisted around one another in the nervous habit I had picked up when I stopped drinking a few months ago. I stepped up to the bar that she still leaned against and noticed the tear tracks down her cheeks and I was damn scared that I'd done whatever it was that made her cry.

**If you need a friend,  
Don't look to a stranger,  
You know in the end,  
I'll always be there.  
**

"Hi," I breathed out in a low voice.

"Hey," she replied just as quietly despite the loud hum of voices and music mixing around us.

"I . . . uh, I didn't know you were going to be here. I probably wouldn't have dedicated the song like that if I did."

**And when you're in doubt,  
And when you're in danger,  
Take a look all around,  
And I'll be there.**

"Why not?" her question took me off guard. Her voice didn't seem angry or even slightly annoyed as I had expected.

"I don't really know. It's not that I didn't mean it. I just thought maybe you'd be mad that I said that. Since you haven't been answering my calls or anything I figured I must have done something wrong or said something I shouldn't have, and even though I don't know what it is I'm sorry. We all know I have a severe case of foot in mouth syndrome and . . ."

**I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)  
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)  
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,  
I promise, I promise you I will.**

"Like now?" she cut me off, "You didn't do anything. It was me; I was avoiding you and your calls."

"Why?"

"I was scared, am scared. You hurt me, worse than I've ever been hurt, and you coming to LA brought everything that happened back up to the surface."

"I know. I'm sorry. You have no idea how much I regret everything. I'll do anything to make it up to you. Whatever you want or need. I just want to prove to you that you can trust me now, that I'm different from the girl that left you," she took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair, a characteristic trait when she was thinking about something. I knew I was asking a lot of her, that she was probably thinking she shouldn't ever trust me again. For that I couldn't blame her, I wasn't sure that I would trust me either. But I knew I was ready, I knew when I first suggested coming back to Vanessa that I was prepared to do whatever it took to win this woman back.

**When your day is through,  
And so is your temper,  
You know what to do,  
I'm gonna always be there.**

Sometimes if I shout,  
It's not what's intended.  
These words just come out,  
With no gripe to bear.

"You know, I talked to Vanessa. She told me how much you've changed. I've seen it, but you haven't really proved it to me. So I want you to prove to me that I can trust you, that you won't run at the first sign of trouble. I guess that means, for now, we're friends. Nothing more," I was elated. She was giving me a chance, which was more than I had planned on her giving me. I was imagining it'd be more along the lines of the finger. So I quickly agreed.

**I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)  
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)  
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,  
I promise, I promise you...**

"That's more than I could have ever asked for. I'll try to tune down the Davies charm just enough that you won't fall for me right off," she laughed at my remark and I savored the sound. If there was one thing I could say I missed the most it was her laugh. I made a mental note to thank Vanessa later. Spencer may not have known it at the time, but she was going to fall for me again. I needed to breathe again, and at some point, it seemed, she had stolen my lungs along with me heart. It was just a matter of time.

**I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)  
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)  
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,  
I promise, I promise you I will.**

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa ...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)  
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)  
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,  
I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)  
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)  
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,  
I promise, I promise you I will ...  
I will...  
I will...  
I will


	10. Time and Confusion

**It seems I'm taking longer to update lately. Ha. I've been crazy busy what with school starting again, AP Lit is gonna kick my butt. But regardless, here is the next update.**

**LoveAsh87: Oh Spashley will be here soon I promise. Lol.**

**TutorGurl: I understand that, however, in this story I felt that the conversation with Vanessa was necessary for Spencer to realize some things. It is up to you whether or not you agree. As for the friendship bit, of course she's not going to jump back in. That'd make her dumb. Lol. Which Spencer is anything but.**

**Coachkimm: I'd actually never even heard that song until the night I wrote that. Lol. But I really liked their version.**

* * *

Just friends never seemed so hard as it did for that month and a half, I never hated a phrase so strongly as that one. As there always had been between us, there were moments in which everything was so perfect that it took all my will to not kiss her or pull her into a loving embrace. In those moments I settled for a friendly gesture because that was what she had asked of me. It was trying, but worth it if it meant regaining her trust and spending time with her. Even more trying was watching her go on various dates with girls that she always decided were just not what she was looking for. I would, after much convincing, help her get ready every time and be there when she inevitably returned to my apartment and throw herself onto my bed in a huff and declare that she didn't like them as much as originally expected. That always turned into a moment.

Vanessa had moved out, despite my protests, as she had gotten a job across town after resigning from her previous position; her previous position that still remains a mystery. She began working for FoolProof Records, frequenting local clubs in search for the next big band. Hence her connection to Never Settle, an up and coming band headed by a feisty LA native, Anina. It was through Vanessa that I met her and was invited to jam with them and eventually why she turned to me when she needed a singer for one of the songs they were scheduled to do at a show.

Over that period of time I had been getting more and more involved in the musical world, seeing as how I didn't have much else to do and a job would have been just too much to ask of me. So I wasn't about to turn down the opportunity to get some face time with an already well established band to back me up. The song was Time and Confusion, which turned out to be an amazingly beneficial twist of fate. Both Vanessa and Spencer insisted on being there to cheer me on at my first performance with other artists in the trade.

"Okay people, we're on in two minutes. Let's get out there and blow them away. Ash, you're gonna be up for the second song, I'll announce you and you can come on out. Oh, and don't be nervous, you'll be fabulous," Anina stated. I hardly listened as the first song began and ended before hearing my name called out and my feet dragged me out onstage. I was extremely nervous with my painted on smile as I stepped up to the microphone. The fakeness faded away as I saw Spencer standing and cheering with Vanessa at her side laughing wildly at the display. As the guitar started, signaling the beginning of my song, I allowed my eyes to wander the crowd.

**Whoa oh, yeah-ah  
Whoa oh, yeah-ah  
Whoa oh**

Live for today  
We'll dream tomorrow  
We've got big plans in sight  
We'll take this city and by nightfall...  
The bright lights are calling

My wandering eyes met Spencer's and I found no reason to move them. The whole time I had practiced these lyrics I felt as though it would be perfect to sing them to her.

**Everything is going our way  
Everything is just as we've planned  
This is our future (from what we've heard)  
And I've still got your hand**

And it feels like we could last forever  
And I'm not doing this alone

When memories fade  
We've got each other  
When time and confusion collide  
Singin' I hold it all when I hold you  
When friends walk other ways  
We've got each other  
I hold it all when I hold  
I hold it all when I hold you

It was the truth I had wandered back to so many times, through drunken escapades and aching withdrawals I realized that she was worth it and nothing was worth it without her.

**Whoa oh, yeah-ah  
Whoa oh, yeah-ah  
Whoa oh**

We fell on hard times  
This isn't the ideal  
We're miles from home  
Doing the best that we can (best that we can)

I won't do this without you  
I won't do this without you  
So take heart...  
'Cause you know that you have mine

And it feels like we could last forever  
And I'm not doing to do this alone

When memories fade  
We've got each other  
When time and confusion collide  
Singin' I hold it all when I hold you  
When friends walk other ways  
We've got each other  
I hold it all when I hold  
I hold it all when I hold you

I looked directly in her eyes as she sat before me and she smiled. There was no denying the sudden giddiness I experienced at that smile for I had worried myself to the point of shaking that she would be angry with me for overstepping my bounds as a friend.

**It's not about the money we make  
It's about the passions that we ache for  
What makes your heart beat faster  
Tell me now what does your body long after**

I don't care now where we live  
It's not where, or what, or who we were with  
I just need you in my life  
So promise me again

When memories fade  
We've got each other  
When time and confusion collide  
Singin' I hold it all when I hold you  
When friends walk other ways  
We've got each other  
I hold it all when I hold  
I hold it all when I hold you

Whoa oh, yeah-ah  
Whoa oh, yeah-ah  
Whoa oh

That song was my promise to her, telling her that I was never ever going to hurt her again and that I needed her. As long as I had that, nothing and no one else mattered.

The song closed and everyone cheered, except Spencer who merely sat and shook her head laughing at some inner revelation. I might have taken offence if it had not been for her laughter that intoxicated me beyond any kind of applause. Eventually I made my way offstage and to the backstage area with a feeling of euphoria due somewhat to a successful show but mostly to a beautiful blonde.

* * *

**I'm gonna be truthful here, this chapter was kind of just a set up for next chapter. Which I'm rather excited for because it is one of my favorite Anberlin songs and I've already got a few lines running through my head that will be perfect for it. Anyhow, please review. **


	11. Inevitable

**Yay! I love this song. I'm also pretty happy with this chapter. AP Lit must be influencing me. Ha. Okay I guess I should inform everyone that next chapter will be the last. Please Read and Review!**

**oxOH i tHInk THey LIke MExo: It's Inevitable! Lol. As I'm sure you've figured out by now.**

**LoveAsh87: Yeah cuz she couldn't help it. Lol. **

**hugbuddy13: Well here it is. :)**

* * *

Ashley was instantly bombarded by fans and talent scouts the moment she stepped backstage. By the time she made her way out Never Settle had almost finished their set. She quickly wove her way through the people to find Spencer and Vanessa's table. The latter was nowhere to be found.

"Hey Ash! You were amazing," Spencer practically yelled to her over the sound of the music still pumping from the speakers.

"Thanks. I'm glad it didn't suck, I was so nervous."

"You didn't need to be. We all knew you were going to do great," the brunette blushed slightly and looked away as the blonde decided to ask a rather forward question that had been bothering her, "Were you singing to me?"

At that her head snapped back up and her expression became nervous. She was still afraid that she had crossed the previously agreed upon line of friendship by holding Spencer's gaze for almost the entire song.

"Uh . . . maybe. I mean, I don't know. I couldn't really help it," she stumbled over her words and gestured wildly, resembling a drowning cat.

"Goodness, shush," Spencer said with a laugh. Her smile turned shy and she wrapped her fingers around themselves as she prepared to make her next statement, "I was kind of . . . hoping, I guess, that you were."

"Really?" her whiskey eyes were disbelieving as the band began their final song and Anina's words took their attention.

"Okay, this is our last song. It's called Inevitable and I'd like to dedicate this one to all those 'written in the stars' couples out there. You guys have been great!" she announced and when the two at the table turned their gazes to her, she was laughing at something below her. Ashley noticed that it was Vanessa standing on the floor by the stage and that she was glaring at the lead guitarist. She had a feeling they were plotting something but her focus was brought back to the blonde in front of her.

**Do you remember when we were just kids?**

**And cardboard boxes took us miles**

**From what we would miss**

**Schoolyard conversations taken to heart**

**And laughter took the place**

**Of everything we knew we were not**

"So after the song, when you were shaking your head, what was that about?" it seemed both had decided to speak their minds, without really saying anything.

"Oh, you noticed that. Um . . . I was just thinking about something Vanessa said to me about magnets," the blonde explained vaguely. The two were dancing a carefully choreographed avoidance around each other, careful not to touch. Inevitably one would miss a step.

"Oh. I was kind of confused as to why my biggest fan wasn't cheering me on," a nervous laugh breathed from her lips. In a surprise attack, Spencer grabbed her hand and pulled her into a tight embrace.

**I wanna break every clock**

**The hands of time could never move again**

**We could stay in this moment (Stay in this moment)**

**For the rest of our lives**

**Is it over now, hey, hey is it over now**

"Do you remember that day, it was raining and my mom wouldn't let you walk home. We were up in my room watching Sleeping Beauty and when the prince kissed her, you asked if you could be my prince. That was my first kiss," Spencer whispered in Ashley's ear. Both smiled fondly at the memory.

"Mine too."

**I wanna be your last, first kiss**

**That you'll ever have**

**I wanna be your last, first kiss**

They remained silent, wrapped around one another in a desperate attempt pull the other into themselves. They struggled with respective insecurities; fears of the future, fears of now. The pain they had experienced was unable to be ignored as was the suffocating realization that they could not do this alone.

**Amazing how life turns out**

**The way that it does**

**We end up hurting the worst**

**The only ones we really love**

"You know spencer, I had a lot of time to think over the past few motnhs. It made me realize how much I owe to you. Without you I'd probably still be on the self-destructive path I set myself on back in high school. You changed my life, both when we first met and that night at the pier. Then I went and fucked it all up. I really am so sorry."

**I wanna break every clock**

**The hands of time could never move again**

**We could stay in this moment (Stay in this moment)**

**For the rest of our lives**

**Is it over now, hey, hey is it over now**

**I wanna be your last, first kiss**

**That you'll ever have**

**I wanna be your last, first kiss**

"a month ago, I wouldn't have believed a word that just came out of your mouth. But now, you've really proven that you aren't the same girl that ran away. I forgive you, mostly because I'm not the same girl who let you run."

**Is it over now, hey, hey is it over now**

**Is it over now, hey, hey it's not over now**

**I wanna be your last, first kiss**

**That you'll ever have (That you'll ever have)**

**I wanna be your last, first love (That you'll ever have)**

A contagious grin broke out on Ashley's face, her nose crinkling in its signature way, and the rest of the room disappeared.

"thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"when I talked to Vanessa, she said that I should stop worrying about figuring out who I was because I already knew, I just didn't realize it. She was right."

"Oh really. And who are you?" Spencer drew in closer and leaned so her lips were to the other woman's ear, whispering.

"I'm yours."

**Till you're lying here beside me **

**With your arms and eyes open wide**

**I wanna be your last, first kiss**

**For all time**


	12. Breathe

**Okay, here we are at the end. I'm pretty sure I liked the way I ended it. Lol. I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed, or even those that read and didn't review. You made writing this story very worth it. A special shoutout to LoveAsh87 who made me keep going. :) The stars signal a change in POV, first is Spencer. Italics are falshbacks.**

**hugbuddy13: Good it was supposed to be. Lol. **

**LoveAsh87: The Spashley gets even better in this chapter! **

**cookietme7: I know. That is the song that fit the best with the non-lyric parts. I could just see it all playing out in my head perfectly. They are so meant to be together! Lol. **

* * *

To say that I was completely sure of myself that night would have been a blatant lie. I put everything on the line in that moment and I've never regretted it. A year later and Ashley has proven herself more than trustworthy, in fact she's surprised me at how much of a romantic she is. Tonight she has something planned, I can tell because she's been nervous all day even though this is probably the hundredth date we've been on.

"Are you almost ready? Ashley is seriously pissing herself right now. It's hilarious, I haven't seen her like this since the flight back here," Vanessa points out. She's remained close with us since we got back together and I'm glad.

"Do you know why? I mean it is our anniversary but it seems like she's going a bit overboard," she just laughs and shuts the door, leaving me to finish my hair which lies in loose curls over the strapless blue dress I've chosen to wear for the occasion. With that done I walk out and down the stairs for that cliché moment.

*************************************************************************************

I can barely contain my nervous fidgeting as Vanessa comes down and alerts me to the fact that Spencer is almost ready and she looks gorgeous. She keeps laughing at me as I pace and I've half a mind to flip her off. Tonight is huge, the biggest event of my life so far. I've chosen to wear a simple black pantsuit just so I would have pockets. Besides, Spence always says I look 'fucking hot' in it.

Vanessa clears her throat and I turn to see my breathtaking girlfriend begin her descent down the staircase of our apartment. She looks even more like an angel than usual and my heart pounds insanely hard in my chest at the thought of what this night will bring. I can only imagine it going one way; the other just isn't an option.

*************************************************************************************

"You look absolutely stunning," my brunette counterpart tells me in a husky voice that lets me know just how stunning she really thinks I look. Taking a moment to take her in, I realize she is wearing a pantsuit. Fucking hot.

"So do you," I grin at her and she smiles back, nose crinkling, "So where are we going tonight?"

"A nice dinner and we'll see from there."

*************************************************************************************

Of course I know exactly where the 'from there' will be, but she doesn't. I glance at Vanessa one last time and she nods silently, smiling. She knows what to do now.

The dinner goes well and I lead my girl out to my car. She keeps asking where we're going as I drive in the direction of the coast. When she falls silent I know she's figured it out. We're headed to the place where our relationship began, the pier. I take her hand and interlace our fingers with a small smile.

*************************************************************************************

I finally put the pieces together; we're going to the pier. I'm surprised to see candlelight flickering and a blanket laid out on the wooden surface. My eyes look to Ash, who is smiling widely.

"Come on. I figured this would be the perfect place to have our anniversary, you know, since this is where it all began every time."

"It's gorgeous," I whisper. The sound of the waves calms me as it always has and I breathe in the salty air, feeling lighter than I have in years. The flames are casting a flickering light on Ashley's face and the glow it creates steals my heartbeat away, I cannot contain myself as I reach my fingers and brush them down her neck.

*************************************************************************************

My eyes are unwilling to leave her angelic face as she takes in the sight before her. She looks to me and reaches her hand up to touch my neck so tenderly my heart skips a beat. I hope she doesn't miss the love in my gaze as we move to the end of the pier. The nerves from earlier start back up as I prepare myself.

"Spencer, I know I've said it a thousand times before but I'm so happy you gave me a second chance a year ago even though I was so convinced I didn't deserve it. I believe that coming back to you is the best decision I have ever made. You're the whole reason I left the selfish little girl I was behind and became who I am now. And, God, I'm so in love with you it feels like my heart is always in overdrive trying to keep up with all the little things you do to amaze me," with that I get down on one knee and she covers her mouth with a smile, "Spencer Carlin, I want to spend my whole life with you. Will you marry me?"

*************************************************************************************

I suddenly felt my chest constrict almost painfully with emotion and I was fighting for breath.

**This is surrender**

**To a war torn life I've lived**

**Scars and stripes forever**

**In need of change I can't resist**

Even after I admitted to Ashley that I still loved her I spent too much time fighting what it seemed everyone else already knew, even Anina, who I'd never officially met until just a few months ago. She described our relationship in what I believe to be the most accurate words thus far.

"_You guys are like that one couple that everyone sees and wants to throw up 'cause you're so damn perfect for one another. Then you go through all this stupid shit 'cause you should have gone through some sort of therapy when you were younger but totally didn't and you break up and everyone's like oh my God they broke up. But it doesn't matter because your relationship was written in the stars and every step you take away from one another will bring you back together that much harder until the magnetism is so strong you wouldn't ever dream of trying to move away."_

**No need to hide anything anymore**

**Can't return to who I was before**

**I can finally breathe**

**Suddenly alive**

**I can finally move**

**The world feels revived**

*************************************************************************************

My heartbeat is out of control. Automatically, my mind returns to the defining moment between the two of us.

"_I'm yours," I felt like crying from every emotion that was running through me in that second. Love, relief, excitement, fear, uncertainty. I didn't know if I was worth the risk she was taking. What if I got scared and ran again? But one look into her eyes let me know that there wasn't anything that could make me run._

"_I've never been anyone else's, Spence."_

**This long of a struggle**

**Finally opened up my eyes**

**Revolution's not easy**

**With a civil war on the inside**

**No need to hide anything anymore**

**Can't return to who I was before**

**I can finally breathe **

**Suddenly alive**

**I can finally move**

**The world feels revived**

*************************************************************************************

I breathed out and with it came the only answer I could have ever entertained to her question.

"Yes. You're my forever, Ashley," and it seems that time is frozen and my lungs have been returned to their normal capacity, I can breathe and everything coming into them is the love of my life.

**I can finally breathe **

**Suddenly alive**

**I can finally move**

**The world feels revived**

**I can breathe**

**Suddenly alive**

**I can finally move**

**As I realize**

*************************************************************************************

I fight the urge to do a victory dance and stand up to put the ring on her finger as she pulls me into a kiss. Everything is in the kiss, every mistake and every apology, more importantly, every ounce of love. My lungs expand to take in Spencer, in all her glory. As Vanessa assured me multiple times, every fairytale love story has a happy ending, and here I have found mine.

**I can finally breath (I can finally breathe)**

**Suddenly alive**

**I can finally move (I can finally move)**

**The world feels revived**

**I can finally breathe**

**I can finally move**

**The world feels revived**

**

* * *

Well there it is. Please read and review! Give me your opinion on whether or not I should write an epilogue because I've got an idea. It would sort of be like a flashback and then back to the present thing.**


	13. Soft Skeletons : Epilogue

**This is kind of like a prologue/epilogue/parallel all jumbled into one! Ha. I'm not telling you to POV cuz it's easy to figure out anyway. After the line break is 3rd Person POV.**

**cookietme7: Here you are. Epilogue hybrid.**

**hugbuddy13: Indeed. Lol.**

**LoveAsh87: Oh man. Sequel? I hadn't really thought about that. Hmmm.**

**Coachkimm: I would love for you to read more. **

* * *

That night she came back to the apartment completely wasted, quite a feat considering she had found a bar in less than two hours in a city she had been in for less than a three. She was more intoxicated than I had grown accustomed to over the time I had spent with her since she decided it would be acceptable for me to live with her. There was a sinking suspicion in my heart that told me alcohol was not the only thing traveling her veins in her late night return from questionable locations. Being as I am, I took her into the bathroom and put her in the shower to rid her of the foul stench of alcohol, cigarettes, and fear.

**Dear little girl, so much hurt for such a young age.**

**Trapped inside a pretty little lie.**

**Your body's betrayed.**

For several hours she just lay there and stared at the ceiling, searching for answers the cracked tiles did not hold. I sat next to her, afraid if I left her alone she'd drown in her own vomit, or tears, whichever came first. During the month I had lived with her I observed several telltale traits of what had to have been a less than desirable childhood. She had abandonment and trust issues, believing wholeheartedly that I was stalking her until I pointed out that I had been in London for months before she came and Tokyo at least two days previous to her arrival. Then for some reason she concluded that if we would continue running into one another we might as well live together, and of course I was intrigued by her careless disposition as it reminded me of someone I was once and I agreed. From then I began to recognize, in the few moments between her intoxicated false confidence and angry mask of sobriety, something I had seen too many times. Confusion, pain, desperation, and self-loathing burned her irises. I wished I could take that away, but this was her battle and her path to follow.

**Don't fix your eyes on a fix you rely on.**

**Fixed her eyes on a fix she relies upon.**

My suspicions were confirmed by slight bruising on her inner arm and a miniscule puncture wound into the vein. I had to fight the swell of anger in my chest at the revelation; by the way she had been acting I determined she was on heroine, the one drug I had refused to touch even in my non-sobriety pact days. Seeing her like that brought back painful memories that I didn't ever want to relive. I was then inspired to bring her back from the precipice she teetered upon, needles were chains that held their users bound to their problems. Later, I would fly into an enraged rant at her for her use, but in that moment she chose to speak.

"I really do love her you know," I assumed this was the same 'her' she was running from, "It's just so hard. What if she had left me instead? I don't think I could have handled that."

"Because you're handling having left her so very well."

**Stand unafraid.**

**All the good souls stand on unafraid.**

"Fuck you. You don't know what I've been through. My dad died, my mom is a heartless bitch. Then there's the miscarriage I had. You know I wanted that baby. Finally someone to love me for just me. But no. spencer made all of that bearable. More than, she helped me forget. She was like, my only friend in elementary school; then she got all popular and cheerleadery in junior high and dated that dick Matt. I hated him. Then one night I was just chilling at the pier and she walked up on the beach. For a minute I just wanted to leave, but I couldn't. like she was a magnet, keeping me close with her pull."

**When life starts to burn and the pain returns.**

**I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.**

**There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.**

**How can you expect to win this war?**

**Too afraid to fight. Are you too afraid to fight?**

"So she noticed me and came over and we started talking. Like it was all fate, you know? And then we would hang out until she finally quit cheer and I told her I'm gay. I expected her to freak out because she had spent so much time with those bigoted jerks but she just told me she was fine with it and thought she liked me as more than a friend. Who does that? Then it all just naturally progressed until we started dating. Everything was so perfect. Too perfect, there's no way she would have stayed around once I told her about my past. Everyone important leaves me. She would have too."

**Dear little one, there was so much pain.**

**Time you can't replace.**

**Trapped inside, too afraid to cry.**

**And now hands and bruises cover face.**

"Is that really what you think? You never even gave her a chance. You can't be in a relationship always expecting the other person to leave because you'll convince yourself to leave first. You'll never find out if that person was your soul mate. Besides, obviously more than fate was involved if you two keep ending back with each other."

**Don't fix your eyes on a fix you rely on.**

**Fixed her eyes on a fix...**

"it doesn't matter. I fucked it all up anyway," I could never figure out why everyone draws conclusions based on their tunnel vision view of life. They're too afraid of rejection to go after what they really want. But right then she was in no shape to go chasing lost loves, or even chasing lost marbles. Not that I could make her do what she needed to do; get clean. She had to make that choice.

**When life starts to burn and the pain returns.**

**I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.**

**There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.**

**How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?**

"It does matter. For now though, you need to sober up. if you ever want your life, and your girl, back," she scoffed and rolled over. Try as she might, I could see through her fake strength to the scared core of her being.

**Stand unafraid.**

**All the good souls stand unafraid.**

**Stand unafraid, all the good souls stand unafraid.**

A month, several heartfelt talks, fights, and nights spent holding her shaking hands later and she was doing extremely well. Better than I expected. She had stopped avoiding the truth and would discuss with me the joys experienced with her father or the bitter fights with her mother. Mostly she stayed away from the subject of Spencer, the hurt still too new and the guilt burning with icy embers in her heart. Even despite her progress I was surprised when she suggested going back to LA and I saw a steely determination in her eyes.

**When life starts to burn and the pain returns.**

**I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.**

**There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.**

**How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?**

It took her nearly three weeks to build up the courage to even step foot on the pier. Four more days to call Spencer, no time at all to let all the insecurities delve back in. but by then I could not interfere, this was her fight. So I'll admit that my commentary was a bit out of place with Spencer at the club. It just always frustrated me to no end when people fought the inevitable like she had been.

**When life starts to burn and the pain returns.**

**I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.**

**There's life in your veins. These needles are chains to hold you down.**

**How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?**

Needless to say, they ended up together. Ashley was hilarious the night she proposed, all nervous and panicky in a way she hadn't been since singing with Never Settle. The wedding preparations brought out some surprising traits. Spencer was the laid back one, it's Ashley that was the bride from Hell. Thank God that's all over. Today my 'little sister' is getting married. At the pier, of course, down on the beach. She looks gorgeous in her white lined dress shirt and pants, giving Spencer a run for her money in her simple white sundress.

* * *

**3rd Person**

The women stand beside one another with the sun lowering into the waves behind them. Before them a man in a dark suit begins to speak the timeless words of union, for which the group of friends and family have gathered.

"We are gathered here today to witness the union of Miss Ashley Davies to Miss Spencer Carlin . . ." and from there they stop listening. They are lost within each other, their eyes speaking volumes of their love. The man calls upon Ashley for her vows.

"Wow. Okay. I've spent like four months trying to figure out exactly how to describe what you make me feel and how much I love you, and that made me realize how truly limited the English language is. I can't even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. All I can do is promise that forever is what I'm giving you, and I will never falter from it."

"do you, Spencer, take Ashley to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," she wihispers around her tears as she accepts Ashley's forever, "When we first met I never would have guessed that we would end up here. Of course, most six year olds aren't thinking about getting married, but still. The day you asked to be my prince I never thought anything of it because you always were my knight in shining armor. But then I became a shallow and selfish teenager focused solely on popularity because I wasn't comfortable with who I was, who I am. My love for you has challenged me to grow into someone that deserves your love. Someone who deserves you as their prince."

"Do you, Ashley, take Spencer to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," she states strongly.

"I know pronounce you Mrs. and Mrs. Davies. You may kiss the bride," their lips met in an emotional tangle full of love, happiness, and excitement.

"I guess true love really is blind to the faults of others," Anina murmurs to Vanessa.

"No. True love is not blind, it sees more. Because it sees more, it is willing to see less. Willing to forgive."


	14. I Swear to God She Hates Me

**This is officially the last chapter! Ha. I guess it's just random drabble to tie this story up with a nice little bow. Thank you everyone who read. You're amazing. :)**

* * *

"I swear to God she hates me."

"She's four months old. I doubt she hates anyone."

"Do you see this? This glare she has locked on me? That is infant hatred."

"Vanessa, our daughter does not hate you."

"How do you know? You're not in her mind," the two women laughed. Their daughter's bright blue eyes watched them intently as they shared a moment before turning back to the funny green-eyed brunette. She let out a baby giggle after pulling Vanessa's hair and receiving a playful glare.

"Where's Anina, anyway?" Spencer asked.

"Heck if I know."

"Aren't you two like, together?" Ashley interjected.

"Umm . . . no. We are so not."

"You should be."

"Oh you've turned into love counselors now, have you? I don't think so. I'll be having none of that."

"Hey guys!" came from inside the house before the owner of the voice appeared on the deck, "Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up the cover art for the EP."

"Oooh! Let me see it!" Vanessa bounced up and down like an impatient child in her chair waiting for Anina to give her the disc.

"So anina, why aren't you and Vanessa dating yet?" the girl spit out the sip of the drink she had just taken.

"What? Just because you two have been married for a year and a half doesn't mean you can start matchmaking."

"You two are so perfect for each other!" overlapping exclamations of protest came from both women.

"I'm just going to get another beer. Anyone else want anything?"

"Yes, please. Thank you Ness."

"Seriously, you guys should get together."

"If it will get you to shut up, I'll ask her."

"Great! Let's go down in the sand," Vanessa re-appeared with two beers and they went out to sit on the beach with the small child in Spencer's arms.

"You know, Nessa, you never did tell me what it was you were doing on your business trip that happened to follow me around."

"Ha. No I didn't."

"What were you doing?"

"Good question."

"Answer it."

"Uh . . . no."

"Come on."

"Hmmm. I'm gonna say . . . no."

"Fine, I'll just make you babysit Nicole here by yourself."

"What? You can't do that?"

"I can, and I will."

"I hate you Ashley. God. I was a profiler. For Interpol."

"What?"

"Yeah. I was always really good at reading people so they would put me in the room with the accused to determine the likelihood of their guilt."

"That's funny."

"How is that funny?"

"You worked for the International Police."

"Yes."

"You're like, the least law abiding person I know. Miss It-Is-Not-Breaking-and-Entering-Just-Entering."

"It was! The door was open."

"Sure, sure."

"Whatever. Watch the sunset."

"Oh we will, and we'll enjoy it."

"Good."

"Hey Vanessa. You want to go out with me?"

"Yes. I would love to," she huffed sullenly.


End file.
